You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
