before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
