a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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