theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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