There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Randomize
