If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
