Plan B is the new Plan A
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
