I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Randomize
