i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
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