I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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