Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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