He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
