if i can run in heels then i can drive
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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