Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
