Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
