i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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