Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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