Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
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