guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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