your thong is hanging out like whoa
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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