either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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