Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
