I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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