I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
