You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
