Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
