I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
