dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
