I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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