my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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