i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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