When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
