I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
