My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just found a bag of teeth...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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