I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
