It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
