If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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