I cut my penus on the lid.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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