I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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