Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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