Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
