the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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