Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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