im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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