I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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