I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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