I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
