my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
We don't watch enough power rangers
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
