I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
