So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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